shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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