Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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