Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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