How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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