I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
