Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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