I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
