I want you more than these girls want KFC
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
