They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize