My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
