Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
