i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
