why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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