I didn't shave. On purpose
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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