People in love make me want to vomit
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
