Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
