Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
