dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The uberlube is also flammable
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
