don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
