my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
