he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
