dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
