the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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