no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Let's get the cat blown out
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize