You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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