Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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