that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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