I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
