fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
