I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have already put on my inside pants.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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