I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I party with great urgency now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
