Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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