If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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