Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
