A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
