I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
