it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Let's get the cat blown out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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