also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
