walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
