....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
