I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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