the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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