Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
