I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize