Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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