I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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