My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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