ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
