There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
