So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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