woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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