my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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