HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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