He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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