She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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