If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
