Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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