so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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